Don’t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Drinking beer doesn’t make you fat, It makes you lean;
Against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.

This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.
~Samuel Johnson

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it’s compounding a felony.
~ Robert Benchley

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.
~F. Scott Fitzgerald

Sleep – the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.
~W. C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
~W.C. Fields

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
~ Frank Sinatra

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
~Frank Sinatra

No animal ever invented anything so bad as drunkeness – or so good as drink.
~Lord Chesterton

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
~W. C. Fields

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.
~H. L. Mencken

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
~Ernest Hemingway

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
~Henny Youngman

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.
~ William Butler Yeats

People are saying that I’m an alcoholic, and that’s not true, because I only drink when I work, and I’m a workaholic.
~Ron White

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks
~ Joe E. Lewis

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
~ Joe E. Lewis

Everybody should believe in something; I believe I’ll have another drink.
~Author Unknown

I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won’t let himself get snotty about it.
~Raymond Chandler

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
~ Mark Twain

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has ever found a way to drink for a living.
~ Jean Kerr

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
~ Author Unknown

Responsible Drinking? Now that’s an Oxymoron.
~ Aaron Howard

Friends don’t let friends drink Light Beer

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it’s compounding a felony.
~ Robert Benchley

The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything: the young know everything.
~ Oscar Wilde

Youth is a disease from which we all recover. ~Dorothy Fulheim

No wonder I’m unhappy; My twin forgot my birthday.
~ Jerry Dennis

If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes.
~ Euripides

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
~Lucille Ball

May you live to be 100 and may the last voice you hear be mine.
~ Frank Sinatra

Let us respect gray hairs, especially our own.
~ J. P. Sears

One starts to get young at the age of sixty and then it is too late.
~ Pablo Picasso

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
~ Stephen Wright

Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.
~Don Marquis

The first forty years of life give us the text: the next thirty supply the commentary.
~ Arthur Schopenhauer

This is a Website on Funny Quotes and Sayings.

We have thousands of Funny quotes and funny sayings categorized into various subtopics, like Funny Life quotes, Funny Love quotes, funny women quotes etc.

Most of the quotes has a message for all of us, but they will also make you laugh.
Like they say, humor is the best teacher. Well I made it up, but you get the point.

Our top 101 funny quotes will soon be compiled into an ebook as well as a free Iphone and Android App.

We also post a lot of the funny quotes in the form of bite size images that we post on facebook and Twitter.
Our mission is make you laugh.
Feel free to share our site and our FB page.

You may leave a comment to tell us what you want us to add.

New stuff that you may like to see etc.

While we are on the topic of laughter, Check out this Hilarious video by Rusell Peters.
Not a great quality, the video is HILARIOUS

It is the plain women who know about love; the beautiful women are too busy being fascinating.
~Katharine Hepburn
(Ain’t that the truth)

A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you.
~Adlai Stevenson

A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares.
~Elbert Hubbard

Woman was God’s second mistake.
~Friedrich Nietzsche
(Guess what could be the first one?)

Men play the game; women know the score
~ Roger Woddis

Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
~Friedrich Nietzsche

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she’ll tell anything.
~funny quotes hub

Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl’s best friend is still a nearsighted man.
~Yoko Ono

Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our gigantic intellects.
~Oscar Wilde

Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.
~Oscar Wilde

Women speak two languages – one of which is verbal.
~William Shakespeare

Women sleep on the right side of the bed because even while sleeping they have to be right!
~Unknown

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
~Unknown
A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.
~Unknown

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
~ Roseanne

There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
~Will Rogers

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
~Oscar Wilde

A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.
~Arnold Haultain

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
~Author Unknown

Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember.
~Author Unknown

A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.
~Unknown, and we all need to learn from this quote..

I’d rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four.
~Fred Allen

The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her.
~Marcelene Cox

A man gives many question marks, however, a woman is a whole mystery.
~Diana Stürm

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
~Carrie Snow