Funny Quotes

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George F. Burns

Don’t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Drinking beer doesn’t make you fat, It makes you lean;
Against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.

This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.
~Samuel Johnson

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it’s compounding a felony.
~ Robert Benchley

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.
~F. Scott Fitzgerald

Sleep – the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.
~W. C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
~W.C. Fields

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
~ Frank Sinatra

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
~Frank Sinatra

No animal ever invented anything so bad as drunkeness – or so good as drink.
~Lord Chesterton

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
~W. C. Fields

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.
~H. L. Mencken

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
~Ernest Hemingway

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
~Henny Youngman

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.
~ William Butler Yeats

People are saying that I’m an alcoholic, and that’s not true, because I only drink when I work, and I’m a workaholic.
~Ron White

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks
~ Joe E. Lewis

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
~ Joe E. Lewis

Everybody should believe in something; I believe I’ll have another drink.
~Author Unknown

I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won’t let himself get snotty about it.
~Raymond Chandler

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
~ Mark Twain

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has ever found a way to drink for a living.
~ Jean Kerr

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
~ Author Unknown

Responsible Drinking? Now that’s an Oxymoron.
~ Aaron Howard

Friends don’t let friends drink Light Beer

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it’s compounding a felony.
~ Robert Benchley

And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.
~Abraham Lincoln

The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything: the young know everything.
~ Oscar Wilde

Youth is a disease from which we all recover. ~Dorothy Fulheim

No wonder I’m unhappy; My twin forgot my birthday.
~ Jerry Dennis

If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes.
~ Euripides

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
~Lucille Ball

May you live to be 100 and may the last voice you hear be mine.
~ Frank Sinatra

Let us respect gray hairs, especially our own.
~ J. P. Sears

One starts to get young at the age of sixty and then it is too late.
~ Pablo Picasso

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
~ Stephen Wright

Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.
~Don Marquis

The first forty years of life give us the text: the next thirty supply the commentary.
~ Arthur Schopenhauer

These are some Funny quotes about Women, and some funny quotes by women.

It is the plain women who know about love; the beautiful women are too busy being fascinating.
~Katharine Hepburn
(Ain’t that the truth)

A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you.
~Adlai Stevenson

A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares.
~Elbert Hubbard

Woman was God’s second mistake.
~Friedrich Nietzsche
(Guess what could be the first one?)

Men play the game; women know the score
~ Roger Woddis

Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
~Friedrich Nietzsche

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she’ll tell anything.
~funny quotes hub

Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl’s best friend is still a nearsighted man.
~Yoko Ono

Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our gigantic intellects.
~Oscar Wilde

Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.
~Oscar Wilde

Women speak two languages – one of which is verbal.
~William Shakespeare

Women sleep on the right side of the bed because even while sleeping they have to be right!
~Unknown

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
~Unknown
A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.
~Unknown

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
~ Roseanne

There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
~Will Rogers

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
~Oscar Wilde

A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.
~Arnold Haultain

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
~Author Unknown

Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember.
~Author Unknown

A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.
~Unknown, and we all need to learn from this quote..

I’d rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four.
~Fred Allen

The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her.
~Marcelene Cox

A man gives many question marks, however, a woman is a whole mystery.
~Diana Stürm

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
~Carrie Snow